yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
