Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
