HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Randomize
