I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
