lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
