I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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