WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
