hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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