I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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