i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
