just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
