I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
