pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
