Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
