Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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