a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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