my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
