the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
