On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
