can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
