you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize