Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
