So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
