Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
where are my pants?
in the oven.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
