We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Randomize
