I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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