I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
