What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
