I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
