When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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