Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
