P.S. I can't hear my feet
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
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