My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
