70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
two words: eviction party
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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