Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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