I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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