yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
