my phone needs a breathalizer
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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