Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
