i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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