The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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