That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
