its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
