tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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