Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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