I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
