at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
not ubering you a puppy
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
