You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize