Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
