twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
