Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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