By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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