the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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