I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
